


Shut It Off

by Devilman



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:02:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22476070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devilman/pseuds/Devilman
Summary: Shut it off.It was a simple concept to Dirk. When he was told to shut off his emotions as a child, he did. He learned how to conceal everything behind a pair of shades and a stoic expression.
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22





	Shut It Off

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is a little drabble I did about Dirk- and I might turn it into a fanfic! Comment if you'd like this to be a fanfic- hope you enjoy :)

Shut it off.

It was a simple concept to Dirk. When he was told to shut off his emotions as a child, He did. He learned how to conceal everything behind a pair of shades and a stoic expression. Now, whenever some kind of emotion got in his way, instantly he would hold it back and shut it down. But there was an urge to let everything out. It always seemed to follow him around off. It made him aware of its presence by making the blond's chest feel tight and kept distracting him from more important thoughts. Dirk ignored it as best as he could. He pushed it back so that it could only lurk in the depths of his mind. When he was on the verge of losing his temper, he would hold it back and shut it off. Usually. Sometimes he couldn't stop himself from losing his shit. Those moments were rare though.

One of the more common emotions he pushed away was coming back. The heavy feeling of misery pushed down on the man's frail shoulders and made him less productive than he usually was. Tired amber eyes stared blankly up at the ceiling. Dirk's lips were pressed into a thin line while thoughts and memories raced through his mind. Most involved Jake. Some were about his bro. Few were about the friends Dirk had gained and lost throughout his twenty-some years of life. One particular memory was playing in Dirk's brain. One that caused him to slowly break behind his mask of stoicism. It was the last and worst fight he had ever had with his ex-boyfriend.

Dirk had irritated Jake with his unhealthy habits and when he began to address the subject of Dirk's eating and sleeping habit, Dirk told him to fuck off. This started an argument which soon became Jake packing his things and walking out the door for the second time in Dirk's life with the words, "You're a bloody disaster," being the last Jake had said to him those two months ago-

Shut. It. Off.

The words appeared in his brain like a message appearing on a dark computer screen. Instantly, Dirk stopped the tears that were beginning to well in the corner of his eyes. He took a few breaths, then went back to just simply staring at the ceiling. He didn't want to think about his ex. It was his fault Jake left anyway. He shouldn't be upset about that. He didn't want to think about anything except for new projects.

He had so many new ideas for robots and drawing forming in his mind, but his body refused to get out of his messy and unmade bed. Blankets lay tangled around his thin but long legs, and the pillow wasn't even near his head. He glanced over at the empty space next to him. Jake was usually there. A tanned arm wrapped around Dirk's thin frame while his hand brushed through the blond's hair—

Shut it off.

The words replayed in his brain. Dirk moved his arm so that it covered his eyes, a heavy sigh leaving his thin, chapped lips. If he didn't see the space, he would stop thinking about it and move on to something else. With a groan, Dirk let his body sink into the mattress more than it already was.

His mind had moved on from his ex-boyfriend to his sleep schedule. Now that he thought about it, he desperately needed a good night's rest. He's been restless since the break-up, and there was the fact that he hadn't been taking his insomnia medication that would usually allow him to get around six or seven hours of rest. 

It took a few more minutes of lying there before Dirk decided it was time to be somewhat productive. If he kept himself busy he could go back to his old habits of stoicism. Where 'shut it off' didn't constantly pop up. Dirk lazily sat up, stretching out his arms and back before slowly rising from the bed. He checked the time to see how long he's been laying around doing nothing.

2:41 p.m

Fuck.

A bitter expression took over the man's previous monotone one. He's been doing nothing for hours. Dirk sighed again as he waltzed away from his clock and into his closet to get on actual clothing. Once dressed, he brushed his teeth and washed his face. He needed to get on with the day. It was already the afternoon and he had done absolutely nothing. He grimaced again before forcing the expression off of his face so that he looked empty again. 

Dirk found himself in the kitchen making himself a cup of coffee. He turned on the machine and let it get to work. While he waited, he leaned back against the counter, nails drumming against the top of the area. His gaze fell onto the floor and then to the green vase that stood tall by the couch. It was Jake's grandmothers. He forgot about it. The blond felt his heart drop when Jake appeared in his mind. Fuck, he missed him. 

Shut it off.

He missed the feeling of being in his arms. Craved the sweet feeling of his lips being pressed against his. 

Shut it off. 

The smile he used to get whenever he would see Dirk staring at him. The constant sweet words being whispered to one another with the soft, gentle touches.

Shut it off.

He missed Jake's voice. The way he said, "I love you."

Shut. It. OFF.

He couldn't. Dirk let a single tear stream down his cheek and fell to the floor. Then another. And then another. Soon there was a small puddle below him. Grief flooded through him. It was his fault. It was his fault for being so closed off and so demanding and so... broken that it drove his love away again.

Dirk didn't bother to try and stop what was happening. No matter how many times the words appeared in his mind he refused to shut down his emotions. It took almost twenty minutes or so for the tears to stop. Dirk sat on the ground with his fingers tangled in his hair, eyes swollen from crying and his throat hard and tight from letting small sobs escape him. The coffee was cold now and the thought of doing any projects abandoned him completely. 

But, he almost felt better now. The tight pressure that had been built in his chest was finally gone, but Dirk felt weak now. He let his emotions tear him apart and now he was in a state of misery and emotional pain. He felt disgusted with himself. Strider's don't feel. Strider's don't cry. Dirk gripped at his hair and groaned.

"Fuck," He mumbled under his breath. "Get your shit together, Dirk. You're a Strider. You're better than this."

Dirk closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths as he pushed everything back down. He needed to shut it off. He would be fine if he just  
shut it all off.


End file.
